The End

I thought I had prepared for this.. I thought that when I saw you again, I would know just how to feel. But when I saw you for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.. I couldn’t react. You.. looked so drowned.. so flushed. Somehow I couldn’t even look you in the eyes, but when I did.. for those 3 mere, frightful seconds.. you weren’t there. I was stuck in a dark place, searching for a source of light. Any light! The person I once knew.. the person I once was lost without.. was no where to be found. These two, big hazel eyes that once looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world.. were full of black emptiness. So much hate and confusion, yet so emotionless all at once. I couldn’t tell what you were thinking, I couldn’t tell if your chest still hurt from the strand of hair in my face that you could no longer sweep away and tuck behind my ear, as I’d look at you and smile. Or if you truly believed I was a stranger all along. All I know is.. you kept looking at me. I don’t know for how long, I don’t know why.. but if looks could kill. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to. I didn’t.. I just couldn’t. It was like.. speaking to myself. Silence has never felt so terrifying..

I will admit.. I thought I’d go in filled with anger and disgust, wanting to rid of these feelings I held in for so long. Wanting you to feel the shitty way I felt when you mercilessly pinned me against the ground. But.. no. I.. got a little sad.. a little hurt. Feelings I never thought I’d feel for you again. Observing you, hearing your voice.. it slightly broke me. It made me miss everything..

Except you.

My heart no longer yearned for you. I no longer cry. For the first time, I realized maybe we were toxic. Too good to be true. Feeling you standing in front of me, in arms length of me.. was hard. But saying goodbye wasn’t. I’m slowly moving on from the one thing I never thought I would. The one thing I fell into darkness for, the one thing I almost lost myself for.. lying next to that broken orange bottle, spilled all over my sheets.

Maybe someday we’ll run into one another and have a genuine heart to heart. You’ll always be the one person I will never forget. But I’m moving on, please don’t try to come back and stop me. I can no longer write chapters for you, my ink’s running thin. I have to let go. I’ll love you forever.. and as sad as this is.. this is the end..

Nothing

God, you should’ve seen her. It was like.. the brightest star in the sky had completely burnt out. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, it severed my heart.. messed up my mind. It ruined me. I no longer knew who she was. The vigorous girl I grew up with.. the bubbly, most outgoing, happiest spirit of a being I’ve ever seen in one single person.. had finally caved. No one saw it coming. With just a glance, you would have never known all the demons she had living inside of her, slowly murdering the vital life innocence knew so well.

I saw her there.. I watched from the outside..

She laid motionless in bed looking out at the rainy, dark skies that shadowed her. Her room so dark and cold you could see the crystals forming through her window; it gave me frostbite. The sound of the bluest lyrics in the background I have ever heard. Not one move, not one blink.. just the tear-filled depth in her lifeless eyes that struggled to release.. you would have believed she wasn’t conscious. Not one emotion in sight.. it was almost as if she had died while still breathing. It must’ve been hours.

It was the most haunting scene..

It was a combination of poison that killed her. I witnessed the crime from every single one of them that intended to piece her back together, but gave up and shattered them even more.. walking away, leaving her with fewer and fewer pieces to barely call it a heart anymore. She was yet so beautiful on the outside, like the leaves that fell during Autumn. But inside.. just like so, she was withering away with every single agonizing thought.. it was rather morbid. The purity within her no longer existed.

She was the coldest part of a blizzard. The most dangerous form of disaster. Or at least whatever was left of her.. the damage set in. A chaotic soul who would never be the same again.

If you saw her.. you could see how deeply numb she truly was. If you had seen the turmoil that I so helplessly.. so deplorably observed.. you’d understand why I refused to ever fall in love again. It was the grim reality of heartbreak. This feeling of grief over.. just how eerily something can become..

nothing..

Lone

Ever been so lonely, it feels like you’re stuck in a world full of pitch black misery? No matter where you turn, there’s no end to pity midnight thoughts drilled inside your mind; as everything in your life falls down all at once, crashing into your world in a matter of minutes, until you’re drowning in a pool of tears.

No matter how hard you hold on and stay strong.. there’s a fine point in that time where it all becomes a little too much to handle, and you slowly began to let go.. sitting alone in the darkness of a cold bedroom. Silently weeping to yourself so no one can hear what shame sounds like over the sounds of their own laughter. Wishing that could be you, but instead.. you just cry harder into your pillow, wondering what caused such weakness; failing to hold back..

Wanting someone right by your side to comfort you and assure you everything will be alright. But.. you know that no matter how hard you try, no one will quite understand.. because you can’t simply “get over it”..

2,000 Miles

“Love comes to you in unexpected ways”, a phrase I would have never once believed as I had my head drowning in the puddle of tears on my pillow case. The day he left was.. like a broken dream. A shattered heart. An endless nightmare I knew all too well. You know what’s the worst part about being heartbroken? Not being able to remember how you felt before. When you put your heart into someone’s grasp, it’s like.. giving someone a gun while it points at you, and trusting them not to pull the trigger. The moment that the one you thought could protect you the most crushes your entire delicate being in one heart shattering second.. something dies inside of you. The innocence and trust you once secured is completely destroyed. The light you yearned to see within, dimmed in a matter of words.. he was all I knew. The ceaseless deception brought on a sense of perception I couldn’t bare.. I could feel my mind crumble into a million raindrops from the dark cloud in my head and its memories..

Until I met you.

Stopping myself from continuing chapters for an excerpt that no longer existed became impossible. Learning to close the entire book and resisting myself from reopening fatal wounds that dusted on that frail bookshelf, was painful. But somewhere along the way, the thunder stopped..

Have you ever platonically fallen for someone? Like, you didn’t even have to see them. It’s the words that would come out of their mouth. The way their voice sounded when they were sleepy. The way you could just imagine how bright their eyes shimmer when they speak about something that makes them.. them. It’s the way he makes me feel.. like I’m floating for the first time in pure bliss. It’s the way he expresses my every being, when I thought I had none left. The person whom I thought I lost forever is slowly returning, ridding the one I never asked for. I never felt so understood, so heard, so.. fixed. Everything you could possibly search for in someone, he has. Not just traits of the physical kind, but the ones that can have you tossing and turning at 2 am, smiling like an idiot.. while his laugh is drilled in your mind. However, nothing is perfect. The connection is strong, the attraction is undoubtable, the feelings and emotions are unclouded! It’s the perfect 10. Except.. you’re not here. The one thing that keeps me away from reaching that vividly, picture perfect canvas seems.. so far away. Yet, somehow I wouldn’t change a thing. To experience something so candid and virtuous comes once in a lifetime. To have someone who truly cares about you and not what you possess is perfect. But.. having someone feel that way about you and being there at your lowest, when they’ve never even met you.. that’s rare. This feeling he gives me is unexplainable.. it’s the way I get when I talk about him, the smile that forms at his distractions, the lame jokes we laugh at for minutes straight.. and mostly, the way he sees me even when I doubt myself. Maybe I won’t ever know how this truly works and maybe I’m no good. But all I know is.. I want this. I want you here. I want you to stay..

Even from 2000 miles away..

My Person..

This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. This wasn’t what we planned. No one wanted this to happen. But somewhere along the way.. we lost each other deep inside the darkest mists of heartbreak. Crying out to you, but your love keeps pacing further and further.. until it’s holding on by the bittersweet thread of memories that have become my string of lifeline.. my only source of light..

Our love was so strong, it was superior. Unbreakable. We had it all in the palm of our hands. I smiled at you, you smiled back at me.. and the universe shook as our hearts knew; this.. this was meant for us.

We laid in bed all night, laughing at what I said at 12:24 am.. looking into your tired eyes glowing under the moonlight that pierced through the crack of the curtain at 2 am. I would tell you about my hopes, my dreams.. the way I take my coffee. You would tell me about your fears, the perfect future we would have together. I was convinced you knew me better than I knew myself. By 5 am, as I held your hand for the very first time, pulling each other away from falling into the dark of slumber.. I’d never been more confident in anything in my life than you. Us. I never doubted our potential. I never doubted how much you meant to me.

Then it started.. the fights, the tears, the ignorance, the heartbreak as one of us drove away first while the other watched, as we slowly broke inside with every further block driven. Everything that threatened to tear apart the most important chapter, until it was nothing but dust. Our fairytale turned into a tragic love story. Communication was no longer an option.

“Are we going to talk about this?”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“But we haven’t even said a word! I-..”

“I don’t want to hear it! Just leave me alone.”

I still can’t figure out where we went wrong. Where we messed up. What did we miss?

Looking back now, I remember you no less than 3 feet away, sitting across from me on the floor of the silent bedroom filled with distressing memories, and the faint voices of two naive ghosts telling each other “I love you”.. as we let each other go, ending with the loudest moment of silence I have ever sat through. All we can do is stare into each other’s eyes filled with tears.. and flashbacks of why I fell for you in the first place overtook my thoughts.

Sometimes, I wonder what we could’ve been if things would have gone differently. I should’ve told you sooner that something was wrong. Given you a chance to say the things you didn’t get to say. Regretting the things I didn’t get to say to you.. before it was too late. I look for you everywhere.. in everything.. in everyone.. you will always be my first love.

This was it. You were it. You were my forever. You were my person…